As funeral etiquette and expectations will naturally vary between cultures, different generations, and even between those within your familiar circles, it’s understandable that attending a funeral can bring uncertainties and anxiety alongside the emotional toll of losing a loved one. To help make the process a little easier, we have outlined a guide below sharing common dos and don’ts of funeral guest etiquette, focusing specifically on what you can bring to a funeral and what may be best left at home.

 

What To Bring To A Funeral 

While bringing a gift in itself isn’t essential, there may be other items you may wish to bring for your own comfort, such as tissues or an umbrella which is absolutely fine providing items are not distracting (see examples further down this article). If you do wish to bring a gift, we’ve outlined some examples below of some common types of gifts which are seen as universally acceptable:

 

1. Condolence Cards & Flowers

One of the most traditional ways to offer condolences is by bringing a sympathy card and/or flowers to the funeral. The card provides an opportunity to share fond memories about the person who has passed and offer your condolences. Be mindful, however, that unsolicited advice or religious messaging (if different to the religion of the funeral service) may be ill-received by some people, so it may be best to avoid it. 

For flowers, some traditional choices include lilies, gladioli, carnations, and roses (usually in white or other neutral tones). To avoid any awkwardness on the day, it’s always best to check with the funeral director whether flowers are accepted at the funeral (or if other arrangements are preferred), alternatively, this information may be available on the funeral notice or invitation if one was sent out. Unless the family has a preferred florist, flowers can be purchased from any retailer. 

 

2. Charity Donations 

In lieu of cards and flowers, one common alternative is for the family to request donations to a charity of their choice – usually one that is meaningful to the person who has passed. This can be a very thoughtful way of honouring someone, and while huge donations will not be expected, it’s important to remember to bring cash as digital payments may not be possible. 

 

3. Memorabilia & Photos

Bringing photographs or memorabilia that celebrate the life of the person who has passed can be a meaningful way to share and cherish memories with their family and loved ones. Ensure that your items are discreet and won’t distract from the solemn atmosphere of the funeral, or make any unwanted noise. Items should also ideally not be too large or cumbersome to move around. If in doubt, consult with the family or their funeral director for guidance – there may be an opportunity for you to drop off this gift at their home or during the wake, rather than at the funeral service itself.

 

4. A Handwritten Letter Or Note 

In the current digital age, handwritten notes or memories about the person who has passed can be a lovely personal touch. A compilation of anecdotes, shared experiences, or old past experiences if you’ve known the person for a long time can be incredibly meaningful and provide a more lasting tribute.

 

5. Practical & Supportive Offerings

Depending on your connection to the person who has passed, offering your support and a listening ear can help alleviate a lot of stress for the family. Other practical offerings can include transportation on the day of the funeral such as giving a lift to a few of the guests if you can; helping the family prepare or transport food if they are providing catering or refreshments, e.g. during the wake; and helping with any other aspect of the day if the family have expressed a need for assistance. While this won’t be applicable to every guest, non-physical gifts of this nature can help the grieving family process their loss without the added pressure of funeral organisation or planning. 

 

What Not To Bring To A Funeral

As we’ve shared our tips for what is acceptable to bring (as well as the nuances of each type of gift), it’s only reasonable to share our advice on what not to bring to a funeral service or on the day of the funeral. 

 

1. Overly Extravagant Gifts

While thoughtful gifts are appreciated, it’s best to avoid extravagant or ostentatious offerings that may overshadow the solemnity of the occasion or generally draw attention to yourself. It’s best to keep gifting and gestures modest and thoughtful rather than flashy and “material” in nature. 

 

2. Loud Or Noisy Items 

It’s understandable you may wish to bring your phone to a funeral in case of emergencies or to contact loved ones if required, however, it’s best any devices you bring are switched off or put on silent during the funeral service itself. If you are expecting a phone call, ensure the caller is aware of your location on the day and ask that they call after the service has ended to minimise any disruption. 

Similarly, if you have young children attending the funeral with you, any toys they bring for comfort or to play with should also follow this rule to avoid any disruptions or distractions. If a child begins to fuss and you cannot calm them down, politely excuse yourself to avoid further disruption – people will be understanding of your circumstances!

 

3. Social Media 

While not necessarily something you bring “with” you in the tangible sense, posting on social media and taking photos with a camera or your phone during the funeral can be deemed rude and insensitive, so it’s largely suggested that you avoid taking photos throughout the funeral, regardless of what it is you’re taking a photo of. If you do wish to post on social media, it’s best to do this after the service.

 

4. Alcohol 

Unless otherwise specified as part of any catering arrangements, it’s best to avoid bringing bottles or flasks of alcohol to a funeral, even if alcohol is due to be served as part of the ceremony or wake. 

 

5. Business Cards Or Professional Service Offerings 

It’s understandable that people will want to do their best to help those suffering with grief and they may even work in a profession where they are in a position to help, however, unsolicited professional service offerings during a funeral can be deemed highly offensive and insensitive. Avoid bringing business cards or other professional service flyers to be on the safe side!

 

Other General Tips

 

  • What To Wear To A Funeral 

One of the most common questions we get asked is what should you wear to a funeral – and while there may, again, be some cultural and religious differences when it comes to certain services, generally speaking, it’s best to wear modest dark-coloured clothes (preferably black) and opt for a “smart” look. This usually means no trainers, jeans, cropped or distressed clothing; however, it also includes overly flashy attire, and excessive jewellery (especially if it makes noise when you move).

 

  • Perfume & Cologne Etiquette At A Funeral 

Although talked about less often, being mindful of your perfume or cologne at a funeral is important as overly strong scents can be distracting and cause discomfort to other mourners, especially in the close confines of a funeral setting. Opt for lighter scents or spray less than usual to avoid drawing unwanted attention.

 

  • Conversation Etiquette At A Funeral

Alongside being mindful of gifting etiquette, it’s also important to be mindful of what you say on the day itself to avoid causing further distress to the family and any other mourners. While it’s natural to want to enquire about the circumstances of the person’s passing or ask the family how they are coping, be mindful that they may have answered those questions multiple times already and it may be contributing to the emotional toll of the day.

 

Speak to our team at your nearest James Ashton & Son branch:

1, 1a Cardean Street, Dundee, Angus, DD4 6PS

188 High Street, Lochee, Dundee, Angus, DD2 3DN

132 – 136 Hilltown, Dundee, Angus, DD3 7BJ

56 Largo Road, St Andrews, Fife, KY16 8RP (Macgregors)

Planning a funeral can be a daunting task, but it is important to remember that you are not alone and we’re here to answer all your questions. Your dedicated James Ashton & Son Funeral Director will be there to help you along every step of the way! They will work with you to create a funeral that is personal and meaningful, and they will be there to offer support to you and your family during this difficult time.